Three little words...

"How are you?" is a phrase that doesn't mean what it used to.

The trouble is that "fine'' no longer suffices for a response, but the bank teller or the supermarket clerk who greets me with that phrase doesn't want to hear my troubles. Grunting seems to be an acceptable response from me. It sometimes brings a knowing, is somewhat puzzled, nod.

The trouble is it's often hard to decipher whether the question is merely a conventional conversation-starter or a real inquiry. Sometimes emphasizing the second word instead of the third is a tipoff.

I thought a friend got it right today when she called and said, "I'm not even going to ask you how you are. But how are you feeling today?"

Not bad, I truthfully responded, without the gory details that she knew I didn't want to get into. But I could have if I had wanted to.


Right after I was diagnosed, I more than once broke down when friends I happened to run into asked me the question, and the truth poured out of me. I suppose that's why the custom developed - to give people a chance to open up when they feel the need. Oh yeah. Almost forgot. Sometimes people have good news they're just bursting to share.

From my side, I try to make sure to ask the question of everyone I talk to that I care about, with more sincerity than I used to. It's led to some interesting conversations. While most people who have their own problems - and that in my experience is almost everybody - say they don't want to burden me, I find that lending a sympathetic ear feels good, and I hope is of some help. I also don't ask it any more of people I'm just interacting with casually. It has become too loaded a question.

In the words of an old Christine Lavin folk song, I may not yet be a "sensitive new age guy,'' but I'm also not going to get much closer than I am now.